“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”
― Lao Tzu
I haven’t said anything here for a while. In general, I would say I had withdrawn from any self-expression for many months, working, traveling and silently doing spiritual practice, leaning more into what’s actually calling me, getting to know myself better and doing various psychological & physical practices to improve myself. I’m so used to constantly create and put things out in the world but lately it was only silence. The truth is that even though my work as a photographer is considered “creative” but I haven’t felt so uncreative in my whole life as I felt in the last few months. What was once my passion and playground somehow morphed into just work. And don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful that I learned all I needed and created this career. I can use my talent, work with really lovely people, earn well from that and still have much more freedom than most people have, but lately I feel disconnected. Or should I say I feel really connected to myself and what I want in life, but not showing that (yet) in the outer world.
For quite long I’ve felt that as a photographer, especially as one working in business to business field I have to be and behave a certain way. To be normal, so to say (isn’t it strange how we create limiting beliefs and restrict ourselves in life?). And I felt this disconnection from who I am and how I show up in the world, like I’m censoring parts of myself that are not suitable for my career. As much as I like expressing my vision and sharing inspiration through photography the current, really business focused direction that I’m going into doesn’t satisfy me on a soul level. At first, I REALLY tried to not notice that, I didn’t want to notice that. I mean, years ago I started from scratch and now I’m finally successful in my career, I live well and wasn’t that my goal in a first place? Shouldn’t I be super happy about that? I tried to deny those silent thoughts and feelings telling me that I should keep exploring, but they kept coming up and in the end you can’t deceive yourself. I know that my years in Germany and stable, “normal” career in photography is a phase that was (and still is) needed to pursue further goals and it gives me lots of valuable experience, but I now I feel it’s time for me to start slowly changing directions. To shed my limiting beliefs of how I should behave and to start doing and sharing what my heart desires, freely, even if that will be considered strange by some people. But we can never be good for everyone, can we? :)
So the first thing I crave to do is to get back to writing & sharing and to get back to creating things for myself, not only for clients. For more than 5 years now I’m studying various personal development tools & techniques, experimenting with various spiritual practices and ways to live a harmonious & happy life and this is the most exciting thing for me, so I decided that it’s finally time to share this with others, even though it’s not related to my current career. I did this before in some small ways in this blog, but it was still a censored version and I want to be able to fully share my thoughts & beliefs.
I really feel that life is changing in many subtle ways now, here are few (open) examples:
* I’m sure I don’t want to be a food blogger (at some point I thought I want). Yes, I love healthy food and I really enjoy photographing food, but there are other things that light me up more and that I find so much more meaningful (to me personally, I’m not saying that its not meaningful in general. Everything is if that’s your calling). To be honest, I don’t care so much about fancy recipes- I see food mostly as a fuel for body and mind. It’s important for me to eat food that is ethically produced, that nourishes me and is tasty, but I don’t crave new recipes all the time (not that good for a food blogger ;)… ) Also, recently I unexpectedly switched to a vegan diet, which even more simplified the way I eat, but increased my energy levels even more and fixed my skin problems that I had lately. I went to a holistic doctor to figure out what is wrong as my skin which used to be ideal all my life was not so ideal anymore. According to the doctor the main reason was too much stress, but my food intolerance test also showed that I would really be better off without any diary (and cacao… And I LOVE really dark, quality chocolate…). So without any planning and serious decision making I just gave it a try and so far I’m loving it. I’m vegetarian for almost ten years now and I always thought that for ethical and health reasons it would be better to be vegan. On the other hand, I also imagined that it would be too complicated, especially when going out or when you’re a guest. So far I find it surprisingly easy.
So though I won’t be focusing on food recipes that much, but I still will share healthy recipe here and there :)
* When doing my goal list this year I made a decision to finally study deeper the things that I’m interested in and get certifications, even though I’m still working as a photographer full-time. It took me literally years to start speaking openly about spiritual and unconventional things I believe in and practice, but here you go :) I’m studying to get a Reiki (a form of Japanese energy healing/alternative medicine) certificate and this year I also want to get EFT practitioner’s certificate. EFT (emotional freedom technique, or “tapping”) deserves a whole separate post and it’s a technique that literally is changing my life and which I’m really passionate about. I’m really excited to study it deeper and maybe even start teaching it to others as it’s such a wonderful tool to change your emotional state and remove your limiting beliefs. I really think this is something that should be taught in schools and everyone would be better off knowing this tool.
*As I’ve mentioned I feel that the current direction in life is not what I really want and I feel that time to move on is slowly coming. I don’t mean only/necessarily in career sense, but also location-wise. We’re currently exploring and discussing many options with my husband and it will depend on many things, but what I know is that we want more freedom and more going out of the comfort zone.
I would love to hear your comments: were you ever in a state that you know you need to change, but something is blocking you? What did you do and was the change worth it? What would you do with your life if you wouldn’t be afraid of change and uncertainty?
With love and inspiration,